thinking abt ships

i met up with mich just now for dinner / chat, just to check if she is alright after her mini car accident on monday... she mentioned that she met up with boss few days back, also to catch up and she asked him to catch up with me too. what troubled me was something she said, that i had my own judgements of the world and that i knew better (in choosing my friends). i guess she didn't mean to say that i was being judgemental, but rather that i could judge ppl more accurately than she could, and hence my choice of friends & depths of friendship seem to be rather unusual / illogical to others. although i felt kinda misunderstood then, i guess between her and me, there is this gap that she knows she hasn't been able to cross, and she's still trying. and part of me knows that it's just me who isn't crossing the gap.

and it's not really either our faults, actually. i was reflecting on it while walking back home from our dinner, and i came to the conclusion that i had a few types of friendships. with some ppl, like adeL, we kinda just 'click'. we are similar enough to understand our mutual trains of thoughts, we share some philosophies of life in common, and we dun really need to work at the ship. it just exists deeply. with some ppl like mich, we are different types of characters, and have some in common but plenty in difference, yet there is a desire to be friends, so this ship would need effort and work to grow. and some others (like mac), are casual but deep friendships. we seldom meet, there is little expectation of each other, but we know if there's anything wrong with our lives we would be there for each other. we meet spontaneously or providentially, and though we do talk 'superficial stuff' a lot, we know that behind that is an open well of honesty and acceptance.

and, as the wedding lunch proved, there are some ppl whom we best remain aquaintances with, or not friends at all. :P  so i guess there are few whom are considered my friends, and most of the ppl i know are just aquaintances. and den, there is the 'issue' of boss. mich said that him n me should catch up soon too, now that he's more stable with his attachment. in that moment i didn't know what to say, or how to respond, cos in my heart i'd already shifted him to another category, and he was no longer my friend, and i couldn't bear to tell mich that. am i being too harsh, you wonder. yes and no, perhaps. i have no more desire to be real, deep friends with him, and i'm certain my presence or absence makes no difference in his life, so that's just it lor. i was never that close to him like the other 2 ladies are, in the first place. perhaps he's just a friend for a season.

which brings me to a question i have for myself: whether i make friends based on the neediness of ppl of me. i know for sure, that ppl whom i consider my friends, are those who definitely care for me, and make an effort to stay in touch with my life. and den there are those who are birds of a feather and those who share my passions and beliefs. just by existing, these ppl are my friends already haha. :P but some of my friends are ppl who need my support from time to time, and even if we cannot connect at any other level, the simplest way i can be a real friend to them is to be present. so then if, over time, this person does not need my support anymore, i don't have to be a friend to them already. and so a natural progression is to move on in our separate lives quite amicably.

so, the honest truth is, if boss were to have a catch up session with me, i would not know what to say. i don't think i'd feel comfortable like i'm comfy with the delinquents. i know that some part of it is becos of the girl, but it's just a simple matter of not 'clicking', and it's just a natural outcome of that. it's not that i dislike her or am biased against her, it's just being different lor. i cannot be like cBear who strives to improve their rs. i still hold by the principle that i'm not an accidental friend; my friendships must be intentional. my criteria of friendships may be strict, but at least i'm assured of the quality this way. i dun have time for quantity anyway.

adeL, if you're reading this, you're sworn to secrecy! :P shhhhhhhhhhhh....