[dA white b0xxx]

wanderlusting

2012-01-07T13:00:00.000+08:00

after spending a week in barcelona last yr and a few days in yangon, i have decided to go on a trip annually! this yr i'm planning to go to france from 24th nov to 8th dec for under $2000 :P first a week of silence in taize, den a trip to lourdes and back to paris for museums and shopping. :) can't wait for travel fair!

now i gotta go learn french :P

been lusting after other things as well, like quiting my job and doing crafts full-time. making books and sewing bags and cards and whatnots. reality isn't that bad, it's just that my dreams are better.

feedback channels

2011-12-28T12:36:00.000+08:00

//rant//

felt a bit irritated and fed-up cos some random uncle thinks that he can change things by giving me feedback just because i'm in the committee. like, hello! i'm just the ka-kia okay. as if telling me will do u any good, or change anything... *narrowedglintsofangereyes*

was that an accusing tone of voice u're using? why are u telling me what is the better thing to do?

no, i/we are not purposely raising prices to fund-raise. (i get extremely irritated at this part) and no, keep asking ppl for money will not work, contrary to what u believe. and no, church is not paying upfront for anything. (i think he's upset that his contributions are going into places where he doesn't want them to go.) <--and his thinking is a myth, by the way. as far as i know, church accounts are very strict and funds are tight like a dam.

so perhaps, would u mind telling the proper personnel abt your feedback? and like, get ur facts right before telling me what we're doing is wrong. thanks.

sometimes i wonder if ppl are only hearing what they want to hear, even though things have been clearly said already. hmmm.

as if trying to manage my time and projects is not enough, i still have to manage ppl's emotions and opinions and fend them? oh my. *stare*

//end rant//

will be away

2011-11-21T15:05:00.002+08:00

in barcelona for sch trip these 9 days... back for a few days den flying off to myanmar after. busy travelling ahead! pray for our safety! bringing a busload of art students over... :P

happyness

2011-11-16T00:18:00.000+08:00

sometimes, or perhaps very often, it is the simplest things in life that bring the most joy :)

i had a relatively good work review i think, nothing much to add / amend, but i did spend a long time writing up the report :P so i guess that paid off. :)

feeling that extra dose of happiness today cos of some extra honest lovin'. i thank God for you. ;)

trying to convince myself

2011-11-13T01:35:00.000+08:00

that a particular person and i just started out on the wrong footing. this strain of heightened wariness and unpleasantness just emerges unsuspectingly, and it is rather apparent to others, even to myself, and i can't seem to control myself properly. i sensed that i was being bitchy, and felt that i was in the right to do so. which is the part that irks me and 'ruffles my feathers'. i wonder if it's just me and my reaction to this person, that perhaps i'm not being fair and objective and seeing the good work and effort he is doing for the greater good. in my biased eyes and pompous attitude i keep thinking that i am right instead. but what is it that ruffles the feathers??

one reason, is that i feel that he is not practicing what he preaches. he seems to be different ppl in different roles and occasions, and hence he is inconsistent and thus does not win my trust. i just hope that i am mistaken and wrong and have misunderstood him. what irked me today was a small thing, like, suggesting to use "How Great is Our God" for thanksgiving hymn for mass tmr. i said that it was not liturgically right, and my other friends asked if i was questioning his sense of liturgy. and i said yes! >.< i had to argue with myself on the walk home, to see why i was worked up over such a small thing. perhaps i am conservative then, but i came to the conclusion that a priest once commented to me, that we are often so particular about the non-essentials, and yet forget what really are the essentials. in this case, whether we sing that song or not is a non-essential. so should i be arguing over it? it's really, such a small thing but it is so telling of bigger things like fundamental understanding of liturgical music. o.m.g.

how?? i just hope that he wakes up tmr and forgets about it. or wish the Holy Spirit would suddenly intervene in his dreams or something. hmmm. grit my teeth and bear with it.

a full pale yellow moon tonight

2011-11-12T03:05:00.000+08:00

finally finished writing the first draft of my appraisal form. it's long overdue and i had been procrastinating. still left marker's report to write, plus booklet prep for spain... and many other misc things...

today a friend of mine called me to tell me that i hadn't been too careful with my mouth, and had blabbered some potentially hurtful things abt herself to a complete stranger who knew her. it struck me that i hadn't thought about the consequences of saying all that, and that to me it was just mindless small talk. so i guess i was really at fault, and did not take her words seriously, whereas she really meant whatever she said to me. and i almost got her into trouble if that stranger-friend of hers did blabber to another person. eeps. it's a horribly irresponsible thing. so now i gotta be more aware of the politics that abound in the profession and pretend to be mute. which i really dislike. rahhh.

on another thought, God has been really good to me today. when i ranted at him for seemingly unanswerable questions, he said nothing but came to me today and gave me the time to let my real emotions surface themselves. been questioning myself a lot lately, and wondering if it's just the last vestiges of our past that i needed to confront and process and let them sublimate. take today, for example. i was at IJTP for IJ induction programme, and den i went to risen christ for mass. being in the vicinity reminded me of the times when me and friends would go to risen christ church for bible studies, for css gatherings, for wyd prep sessions. the place seemed so familiar, yet the ppl were strangers. i did not know them, not even the priests, and the only person i recognised was the pauline sister at the bookshop, sr mary? can't remb her name now..

i remembered the time when you first showed me that stationary shop in the midst of the toa payoh bustle. i remembered that very same day some strange things had occured and our paths crossed unexpectedly, despite all the intentional avoidance and odd time of the day. i remembered, and i dunno if i've told you this before, that i couldn't believe what was happening, i had to go and hide away in the secret garden in a bid to figure out what exactly was going on at that place where i saw you... it was a really strange day. i was honestly confused by the circumstances. wondered what God had in store for us that day. even on hindsight now, years later, i dun think i'm certain of His intentions of letting our paths cross that day. this memory, belongs to that building in toa payoh. near the shrine made out of the really old tree? where ppl go to pray? oddly familiar, yet oddly strange and new.

i know i'm writing in cryptic, but the person who knows what i'm talking about, will definitely know. :P so if you're confused, den it's not for you! :P k time to zzz....

random thoughts

2011-11-01T22:54:00.000+08:00

i had an idea of making a life-size sculpture-crucifix with some synthetic material mimicking the feel of real human skin. and den letting ppl actually go near it and touch it.. how dead flesh feels like, how impossibly cruel it seems to have an entire religion focused upon the death of a man on the torture instrument of its day. as one priest said in his homily, christianity is the only religion to have a dead man hanging on a cross, and hung in prominence in the prayer space. that really struck me, and so i was really thinking about making this truth more real to the senses. :P imagine if you could go up close to this cross and touch the man hanging dead there. it's kinda, gruesome and possibly life-changing. ;)

in another realm, i've realised that each time i feel some kind of 'missing' for certain ppl, it is surely because i have not spent enough time with that certain Person. my own desire of the presence of someone points me to my unfaithfulness with Someone. haiz. oh well. at least i know, rite? just gottw work on the feelings then.

i have so many things to do, but no mood to do them. procrastination! rahhhh.

For Love Of You - Audrey Assad

2011-10-17T01:56:00.015+08:00

This song has been the soundtrack running in my head lately. :)

You live in a million places
Your fingerprints can be seen on a million faces
There is a trace of You in every hallelujah
Every song that I sing

And for love of You, I'm a sky on fire
And because of You, I come alive
It's Your sacred heart within me beating
Your voice within me singing out
For love of You, oh, for love of You
It's all You, yeah

You are the highway I travel
'Cause I watched You carve streets of gold from the sand and gravel
I gave You brokenness, You gave me innocence
And now this road leads to glory

And for love of You, I'm a sky on fire
And because of You, I come alive
And it's Your sacred heart within me beating
Your voice within me singing out
For love of You, yeah

You are my deepest longing and so I see You everywhere
It's You I'm chasin' after
'Cause I am captivated by who
You are and how You move
I'll follow You forever

For love of You, I'm a sky on fire
Because of You, I come alive, yeah
For love of You, I'm a sky on fire
Because of You, I come alive
It's Your sacred heart within me beating
Your voice within me singing out
For love of You, oh, for love of You
Oh, so, for love of You, God
And everything I do
Oh, so, for the love of You, You

miracles

2011-10-08T13:26:00.000+08:00

i guess i have to clear the air a bit, and update that things between me and boss have improved. :) it was a small miracle, i felt, becos it had been quite a while, and the invitation to meetup came as a surprise to me. his cheerful disposition did help ease me in quite a bit, plus i must admit, the prayers that went into it before acutally meeting him. :P i mean, i wasn't sure what we were going to talk abt, and i didn't want to 'prepare' so much as if it was an intentional meeting. i kept reminding myself of all those times i just went for meals with ppl with no expectations or hidden agenda and just have a good flow of conversation. i guess i was afraid that it would be awkward and have nothing real or deep abt it.

and so, God proved otherwise, and it turned out to be a rather honest conversation after all. :) after reflecting on the entire exp on the way home, i realised what kind of friend i could be to him. u know, i have this 'bad habit' of putting ppl into categories, and so i realised that i had to re-categorise him haha. :P so i guess all is better now, and clearer too. :P

the other miracle, is that i finally managed to talk to Fr G over the phone! after quite a few times calling his house, lol. he is just impossible to reach, and he says like it's so easy.. oh well. i was super glad lah! if not, den i was planning to prepare some material for ew on sunday... ahahaha.

oh and one more miracle, i feel this odd sense of peace this wkend even though i have marking to do and recollection to attend.. it's strange that i'm not panicky abt marking... and have time to spend with ppl and with God instead haha. :P let's see what comes out of this recollection. :)

Decided

2011-10-03T17:23:00.003+08:00

Talking to audrey is indeed enlightening. she made me realise that i haven't been doing proper ministry work for some time, mostly just 'getting by' and not really being proactive abt things. she said that although we are meeting once a week to share abt stuff, she felt that we are not really journeying together, and upon reflection i agree with her. i, for my part, am not really journeying with anyone in my group except perhaps cBear. and a little bit of is-is. but that's it, u know. i'm not even stepping up to facilitate the group sharing. i know i found it too taxing on me, but perhaps now it's a matter of passivity.

today, a little outburst from boss over sms reminded me of my passivity, and i guess it's really time to pick things up and carry them through. have been taking others for granted, and not really working at building ppl up, empowering them or inspiring them. to do all that would need initiative and drive, and i guess after such a long hiatus, i should gear up my engine. :P

and so, i have decided that i will be more active in following-up with ppl, and i will not avoid ppl so much. :P getting into ppl's lives requires such a large leap out of the comfort zone, that it is much easier to stay within. but if i don't, then there is no growth, and i will slowly n surely wilt without a mission.

yesterday i read in the catholic news an article abt this religious priest's vocation story. in it he said that he asked the Lord during his 30-day retreat, if He wants him to be a priest, religious, single or married. and God's answer to him was simply, "It doesn't matter, I love you all the same." and it reminded me of the story of a good friend of mine, who also encountered a similar answer from God. :P what struck me from that story is the whole God-given freedom which evokes a response of self-giving love. how can i not melt in the face of such a mind-boggling concept? It's like your bf telling you it doesn't matter if you decide not to marry him in the end, he loves you anyway and will not find another.

i find that kind of love, rather irresistable. :)

that's Jesus, by the way :P

thinking abt ships

2011-10-01T01:32:00.000+08:00

i met up with mich just now for dinner / chat, just to check if she is alright after her mini car accident on monday... she mentioned that she met up with boss few days back, also to catch up and she asked him to catch up with me too. what troubled me was something she said, that i had my own judgements of the world and that i knew better (in choosing my friends). i guess she didn't mean to say that i was being judgemental, but rather that i could judge ppl more accurately than she could, and hence my choice of friends & depths of friendship seem to be rather unusual / illogical to others. although i felt kinda misunderstood then, i guess between her and me, there is this gap that she knows she hasn't been able to cross, and she's still trying. and part of me knows that it's just me who isn't crossing the gap.

and it's not really either our faults, actually. i was reflecting on it while walking back home from our dinner, and i came to the conclusion that i had a few types of friendships. with some ppl, like adeL, we kinda just 'click'. we are similar enough to understand our mutual trains of thoughts, we share some philosophies of life in common, and we dun really need to work at the ship. it just exists deeply. with some ppl like mich, we are different types of characters, and have some in common but plenty in difference, yet there is a desire to be friends, so this ship would need effort and work to grow. and some others (like mac), are casual but deep friendships. we seldom meet, there is little expectation of each other, but we know if there's anything wrong with our lives we would be there for each other. we meet spontaneously or providentially, and though we do talk 'superficial stuff' a lot, we know that behind that is an open well of honesty and acceptance.

and, as the wedding lunch proved, there are some ppl whom we best remain aquaintances with, or not friends at all. :P so i guess there are few whom are considered my friends, and most of the ppl i know are just aquaintances. and den, there is the 'issue' of boss. mich said that him n me should catch up soon too, now that he's more stable with his attachment. in that moment i didn't know what to say, or how to respond, cos in my heart i'd already shifted him to another category, and he was no longer my friend, and i couldn't bear to tell mich that. am i being too harsh, you wonder. yes and no, perhaps. i have no more desire to be real, deep friends with him, and i'm certain my presence or absence makes no difference in his life, so that's just it lor. i was never that close to him like the other 2 ladies are, in the first place. perhaps he's just a friend for a season.

which brings me to a question i have for myself: whether i make friends based on the neediness of ppl of me. i know for sure, that ppl whom i consider my friends, are those who definitely care for me, and make an effort to stay in touch with my life. and den there are those who are birds of a feather and those who share my passions and beliefs. just by existing, these ppl are my friends already haha. :P but some of my friends are ppl who need my support from time to time, and even if we cannot connect at any other level, the simplest way i can be a real friend to them is to be present. so then if, over time, this person does not need my support anymore, i don't have to be a friend to them already. and so a natural progression is to move on in our separate lives quite amicably.

so, the honest truth is, if boss were to have a catch up session with me, i would not know what to say. i don't think i'd feel comfortable like i'm comfy with the delinquents. i know that some part of it is becos of the girl, but it's just a simple matter of not 'clicking', and it's just a natural outcome of that. it's not that i dislike her or am biased against her, it's just being different lor. i cannot be like cBear who strives to improve their rs. i still hold by the principle that i'm not an accidental friend; my friendships must be intentional. my criteria of friendships may be strict, but at least i'm assured of the quality this way. i dun have time for quantity anyway.

adeL, if you're reading this, you're sworn to secrecy! :P shhhhhhhhhhhh....

Watching someone play iphone games at the bus stop

2011-09-21T19:05:00.002+08:00

Amanda is mighty glad that she doesn't have a phone which allows her to play games n be online 24/7. Already with mobile internet she is quite often checking emails n stuff on the move. Imagine if she has an iphone! She will be GLUED to her tiny device. :P no more human interactions for her. :P n whatsapp will distract her all day long. :P and so, for the sake of her sanity n for the good of her students, she shall not get whatsapp on her mobile. :)

She is putting herself in a cave so that her friendships are intentional, not accidental. Tension between staying connected n fighting for meaningful living.

restless nights

2011-09-19T01:07:00.000+08:00

It's been unusually busy this wk, n I think i'm still suffering from the stresses of managing outside sch life. Doesn't help that i'm perfectionist abt things, or love to spend time with ppl, or prioritise poorly. Think i'm feeling the effects of fatigue. Eeps. Need rest but sleep isn't restful. Feels somewhat tired but full of energy to stay awake.

For a moment just now, I thought of running to you for comfort, to whine a little n vent, but I decided not to. It would be using you to fulfil my wants. I'll turn to God instead.

an awesome game! :D

2011-09-16T13:50:00.002+08:00

the results of poor gameplay ahaha.. it's very difficult! try it yourself! :P

http://www.androp.jp/bell/?ZeAu1wSr

meaning of life

2011-09-06T09:23:00.000+08:00

for some strange reason, i kept seeing the name "Mary Oliver" appear in my online searches, and I finally found the source of it... off the blog of Jesuit Bro Adrian Danker :)

The Summer Day
by Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean -
the one who who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down -
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly
washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.

I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know exactly how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
How to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

been thinking about vessels and stuff that have been consecrated for liturgical use. i read in the catholic news article abt using technology for mass, that items / objects used in the liturgy are consecrated for that purpose only. anything that has been set apart for God's uses, cannot be used and shouldn't be used for seculur purposes e.g. chalice can't be used for drinking like a cup outside of mass. there is something in the sacredness and holiness of things used in the mass, that shouldn't be desecrated by putting it to ordinary use.

what then, of our human voices? could it be true, that a voice consecrated for the mass and liturgy should be reserved for that purpose solely? it's just an interesting thought to ponder as i find myself singing nothing else but music written for God.

mixed feelings

2011-08-31T00:30:00.002+08:00

Just when I thought i'd done a relatively good job at something, the person in charge says it's nice, but what did I do that for??!? I seriously dunno whether my time n efforts spent were appreciated or whether i'd misinterpreted her instructions. :( trying not to be upset over a possibly small misunderstanding n the feeling of being under-appreciated. Perhaps this just affirms even more that I should not be doing commercial design work.

On a completely opposite note, I watched Equus today n it was well worth it. :) feel like buying the play now... :P oh n my poetry books are starting to arrive, so yay! :)

in other places, feeling a slight tinge of envy when other ppl can get to do the things that i want, and yet i also recognise that i'm far more blessed in many different ways, and that i shouldn't compare and yet a small part of me still does. haiz. grass is always greener, i suppose. i know i must give this festering area of my life up also. how? how? how?

democracy & elections

2011-08-28T13:12:00.000+08:00

well i guess we can't always have our way :P since i've gotten things my way twice out of 3 voting events, i should be thankful. :) and it's way more impt for me that our church is not gonna be air-conditioned than electing the country's president. :P

elections always make me think n rant about the idea of democracy. perhaps my 'elitist' education has formed the way i think n my 'snobbish' self is wary of the decisions and motivations behind those decision made by 'ordinary' people.

thankfully there is always God, and no matter what happens, whatever the outcome, it is always His fault. :) yeah! thank You God for taking the blame! 辛苦你了!

mini shopping therapy again :P

2011-08-27T01:09:00.001+08:00

I bought stationery again... !!! Highlight of the day is 4 red pen refills which hougang mall popular didn't carry :P plus some pretty cat designed notepads :) i realise that i'm quite a decorative person after all. Pretty paper attracts me haha. seems like tmr will have another round at Typo in wisma. :P n maybe daiso too. Need to get my worktable in order.

presidential elections tmr! Exciting... :P

a few more weeks

2011-08-20T10:57:00.001+08:00

Attending the liturgy course this month makes me excited abt the coming waves of change in the way we celebrate mass, and I can't wait to talk to you abt it. :) makes me wanna go study liturgical art all over again.

having an income does have its quirks

2011-08-19T14:49:00.000+08:00

i've been spending a lot of $$$!!! :( dunno whether it's really retail therapy or just delayed gratification that is finally dying to escape. haha.

besides buying another 5 books, i've recently bought some clothes, 2 movie dvds, applied for PAssion card, getting tickets to yet another concert (The Real Group!!), considering signing up for another SPI course, and thinking of buying even more clothes. hahaha. oops. :P

stop myself, amanda! i still have a kino voucher to spend.. unless someone wants to buy it from me?? :P

i think books and stationery are my downfall. :P

unproductive days

2011-08-10T02:09:00.000+08:00

It's been so for the last 2 days. I did try, I did! But the zzz monster kept creeping up on me, for no logical reason, n I found myself on my bed in the middle of daytime. I barely marked ten essays today, including all the time watching ndp n various other tv shows. I wonder where my self-discipline n sense of urgency went.... I think I should really step out of the house tmr. It's my last chance.

I know, my heart is also restless, that's why. Kept feeling like something was going to happen, but nothing did. So strange. Perhaps the holiday air affects my brain cells too. Rahhh.

to a few dear friends anonymously

2011-08-04T21:14:00.000+08:00

sometimes making a decision to make a decision is the hardest thing to do, next to loving :P we often dunno whether we are going to make the right decision, one that is good for all of us, that is the best possible outcome. often we try to stay in what we want to believe and hope in, and there is nothing wrong with that. unless something inside of you tells you that something is amiss. sometimes coming to that point in recognising that a particular thing is amiss and a particular decision has to be made, takes for-e-ver. at times that decision can go two opposite ways, and the thought of it scares us. and we'd rather just leave it at status quo and wait for other things to happen.

but i still wish for you to find the flower you are responsible for, and to be peacefully happy. :)

triggered by a retelling of the story of the chocochip sundaes, i've been thinking on and off abt this particular ship we're sailing on, and i find it incredulous that we could have been living such double-foiled lives then, avoiding what our consciences told us and choosing to live in denial. perhaps we didn't think so much of the implications of our actions then, but thankfully the Lord is in control and He intervenes. :P

i wanted to tell you abt that strange day when i looked up at the heavens after walking out of st anne's, and i saw the same sight and thought of you, n i wondered if it reminded you of our convo too.

i wonder if God hears me, and brings my msges to you. nonetheless, i'll tell Him all the same.

it is a coincidence that today marks the last 30 days to another milestone. time truly waits for no man nor woman. i hope time has healed you too. :)

Bright early sat morn

2011-07-30T10:24:00.000+08:00

I just went for my first ever yoga class this morning n now I can't walk straight. :P so weird! N I thought it wasn't vigorous at all but after class my muscles ache. Lol. Maybe I stretched too much. :P yay to a healthier lifestyle! :) must offset all the unhealthy eating :P

been watching a lot of shows lately

2011-07-29T16:54:00.000+08:00

and really taking time off my sch work and other stuff and spending it with people.

since June, I've watched:-
- Pinoy Sunday
- X-men 3
- Transformers 3
- Harry Potter (Deathly Hallows pt 1 & 2)
- BUTS @ Fort Canning
- TPCC concert feat. Stephen Cleobury
- The Little Prince by The Parables Company

and becos my lit dept is trying to find a film / animation that we can use to teach sec 1 film/ drama, i've been (re-)watching other stuff too.. like:
+ Hairspray (musical)
+ Tangled
+ UP
+ Beastly

and the list goes on.. from tonight, there's more! :P
- Into The Woods (musical)
- The Silly Girl and the Funny Old Tree (Kuo Pao Kun play)
- Equus (if I can ;) )

my bank account is depleting... and my sch work is suffering... but i tell myself that it's worth it. :P

is there something disordered in me?

2011-07-21T17:30:00.000+08:00

i walked out of one of my lit classes today. over a somewhat small thing, like, a wave of protest when i asked for a few more mins to finish what i was saying. the bell had rung, and the girls clearly wanted out. so that tipped me over and i stopped abruptly, packed my things n walked out.

just 1 lesson earlier, i'd decided to stop speaking mid-way becos 1 girl casually commented to me to shut up. so i did. for the next few mins i wrote on the board and gestured and mimed what i wanted to teach. another girl in that class was crying over something. this particular class has plenty of girls who crave attention. but they are good girls and they will behave when they have to.

i'm just wondering if these small things setting off my anger means something else is disordered inside me. maybe i dun have enough prayer time, or maybe my disposition n attitude going to class needs to be adjusted. food for thought.

procrastinating

2011-07-18T23:11:00.000+08:00

finally remembered and found the song that i loved! all thanks to Naxos! :) it's Bach's Mass in Bminor. yippee! :P love the Agnus Dei! awesomely cool version. his music is very dramatic, i like. hahaha. :P

anyway yar now that it's not bugging me any longer, i can finally go and start on my marking.. eeps. been procrastinating for days now... it's been an unproductive day work-wise, but i guess it's was fun catching up with sel n jason :) and well worth the time, as always. :)

hopefully i get to date miss adel whom i haven't seen for weeks! :P i sense a hole burning in my pocket....

blessed & protected :)

2011-07-17T17:06:00.000+08:00

i am so very grateful for the past 2 days' events, cos God really showed that He was looking out for me! :P ok lah, i was being rather silly as well.. friday was a most dramatic day. i was busy with setting up my class' haunted house room for the sch carnival in the afternoon after sch. left sch late for BUTS so took cab, and it was raining. when we reached, i didn't have enough cash, and the taxi driver didn't know how to use the nets/ credit card machine, so we spent some time figuring that out. den i went to the reception booth to collect my ticket but apparently my friend didn't leave it for me! i was confused! i wanted to call my friend but i realised i couldn't find my phone! omg. it felt like everything was just going wrong! :(

so how? what should i do first? i was stuck outside without a ticket and without a phone to call my friends. should i try and find my phone first?? i searched my bag, borrowed a stranger's phone, called my phone, called the taxi company who put me on hold for over 5mins.. called my mum to ask if her phone (which is my old phone) has my friends' numbers.. to no avail. i couldn't remember anyone else's numbers. who memorises numbers nowadays??

trying not to panic, and trying to think things through properly, i finally decided to retrace my steps, and omg i found my phone on the road where i alighted from the taxi!!! i checked and it was still fine! not run over by cars or what... phew! quickly called my friend to ask where my ticket was.. and apparently she had left it with the ushers n not at the booth. omg. i was exasperated. but also thankful that things were finally working out after so long.. it felt like a long time.. i think it was almost half hour since i arrived at fort canning n realised my ticket wasn't there. lol. so i finally managed to get in and watched some ballet.. would have been super :( if i had missed the show + lost my phone + wasted all that money.

den on sat morning, i had 2 little affirmations doing the taize session for cjc. one of the boys came up to me after the prayer to say thank you, and another guy (i dunno who, but not a student) came up to me to write a petition for his friend. later on i realised that one of the intercessory prayers had struck him, and he lingered for quite a while in the chapel before approaching me. i was so amazed by God's work that morning, i was really thankful n encouraged. :) i hope the students had a good encounter with God through the quiet prayer, and i guess i am thankful for the opportunity to facillitate that for them. :P

am considering staying a week in taize in nov after sch is done. :P still thinking.

sometimes we make mistakes carelessly

2011-07-04T10:48:00.000+08:00

as much as i know i can't expect everyone to like me, i can't help feeling a little :( when i come across students who remark that they prefer another teacher to teach them. :( it always makes me wonder if i'm not doing something more or better for them, and the least i want to be is to be lousy at what i'm supposed to be good at. :(

and den, i came across another student's positively sweet remark, and i wonder why these two girls' experience of me are worlds apart. am i portraying un-integrated versions of me when i teach?

either i'll need to win them over, or figure out why i'm different persons with different classes and try to work on internal things that i can control. haiz.

on another more positive note, the first week of sch went by rather smoothly, and things are much more relaxed and improved. i feel free to be myself, and I thank God for that. :)

been having interesting long conversations with various ppl abt the topic of discernment and God's calling in their lives. i like being a sounding board. :)

had a good time of worship n sharing yest too, so all is well. busyness beckons.

discomfort

2011-06-25T23:56:00.000+08:00

i had my teeth cleaned, scraped n grinded today.. it's my 2nd time tasting blood, reminded me of my extractions :P there are gaps between my teeth again.. so i regained a lisping speech and a generic shaky-numb feeling in my teeth. :( just when i thought everything was fine n closed up already...

i told myself i'd have to blog this: that i could live through life near the surface but it wouldn't satisfy me. near the surface, i am busy and i can be extremely involved in all the work that surrounds me, but that would not anchor me nor help me live more fully in the present. i would like to live near the deep, like an open well that allows ppl to peep into it whenever they draw near. instead of being a sealed well with a tap, which ppl cannot see into its real depths. this also means that i will not be shoving things under carpets n kiv-ing them for another time, but rather to face them honestly and at the appropriate time. no running from reality, amanda! just muster up your courage and face your fears!!!

sometimes i wonder what it'll be like when sept comes around. will we have successfully progressed along the road of detachment? what sort of friends would we be? would the Lord have convicted you of who you are to be, and give you deep peace? i've been tempted to do unexpected things, but i decided against them in the end. it would go against the spirit of the initial decision. :) i just hope you are doing good with whoever the Lord sends you, and that you be His instrument of love as much as possible. :)

here, there n everywhere

2011-06-23T12:42:00.000+08:00

there is a cost to being absent from ppl's lives, and sometimes i wonder if i ask for it too often. :P

the ambivalence between wanting to be present, yet wanting to be detached. is it even possible to build deep relationships with touch-n-go kinda presence?

yest i had a little time of deep searching n honesty with God, and while some things still have to be grieved and resolved, i told Him that He has to help you along too, just as I am regaining my 'normal' self :) i find that i am no longer afraid to tell others abt my own discernment journey, and the part abt you which makes my story more complete.

although i do not have a specific bible verse or song or movie which stands explicitly as "the call" of God, i've come to realise that my experiences with ppl are what help me discover more and more clearly, who the Lord has prepared me to be. and you, us, are just as inextricably caught up in this love relationship with God, such that we cannot make sense of our calling fully, when we leave each other out. so we praise & thank the Lord for His wonderous graces to us. :)

love u too, adel! :)

tired but accomplished n forgiven

2011-06-19T22:32:00.001+08:00

Just came back from a wkend of running up n down sg in a taxi, juggling wedding prep n retreat prep. Just wanted to say that I miss Jesus terribly. N need to compensate solitude n silence :) apart from that, retreat was rather successful n fruitful, thanks to God. Now just gotta encourage ppl to carry on this new life in the Spirit. :) going home to dinner n k.o.

to a dear friend

2011-06-17T04:33:00.000+08:00

in case you are reading this, i know you're going for camp, and i wish you a most fruitful one! :)

i stumbled across eva cassidy again today, becos i was searching for love songs suitable for weddings (for my friend's wedding lah). her songs reminded me of some convo we had abt dreams and desires, and i wondered if you remember, and how u feel abt it now. :)

me? i smile at the memory and chuckle at our silliness, n beam to you that i love you anyway. :) more than songbirds and fields of gold.

milestone day

2011-06-04T11:10:00.000+08:00

it is a milestone day. :) let's see where we go from here. :)

"Let us rid ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us and persevere in running the race that lies before us, while keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus, the leader and perfecter of faith." --Heb 12:1-2

decided to change

2011-05-30T23:51:00.000+08:00

my blog design and upgrade, like, finally :P still need some tweaking though, but later..

for now, just wanted to blog that exam results are out, and i'm trying to overcome my sense of competitiveness, even though i know that i'm not as good as others. guess i was just wishing on a slight hope. but oh well. hopefully i can become better over the years. need to affirm my self-worth here. hmmm.

anyway i brought home my clay pot finally! and my much-treasured clay box carved with so much love :P i always attribute my A to those 2 artworks. :)

sometimes i wish i could tell other ppl to look at these other things.. don't you know that you've got a really valuable gem in your hands? do you know what is it worth?? how many others would "kill" to get such esteem?

i think these thoughts arise from my sense of being under-valued comparatively in the sch. compared to where i was teaching previously. but i can't complain, cos i chose this sch precisely becos it was a bigger pond. so i guess smaller fish that take longer to show its true colours have more time to swim ard unnoticed.

a nice working environment and good colleagues. why am i so demanding sometimes? need to feel valued, like every child in the classroom.

A strange awakening

2011-05-28T03:05:00.001+08:00

I woke up to go to the toilet n now I can't sleep. :( hurh. Dunno if I should count sheep or play games on the phone to stimulate my senses enough to be tired. Haha. :P

Nothing much, really. I'm just really excited abt ew retreat cos my friends n cousin are going! :) God is awesome. :) let's hope we meet our target of 30 :P (yes i'm a demanding child of God)

Today I read that if my life is too busy for prayer, den something is seriously out of balance n i'll need to examine more closely what needs adjustment. And if I treat my time with God like my time with human friends, den I should not pangseh an arranged time of prayer cos of other "urgent" things. :P apparently prayer time tends to get sacrificed, which I also find true in my case :P gotta fix a regular schedule, man...

Mid-retreat :P

2011-05-25T13:20:00.001+08:00

It is such a beautiful day. :) it's been raining for the entire
morning in fits n bits, n over here it looks like snow. :) I really
enjoy the rain, it always reminds me of God's love Haha. :P n it's
lovelier here cos I can see the mist moving thru the forest, obscuring
the trees n making it look like i'm not in sg anymore Haha. :)

These few days' theme has been on Creation. mostly, rediscovering who
God is thru all that He has created (including ourselves) n reminding
me that i'm not the center of the universe. :P I realise that i'm
truly blessed n privileged to be where I am, gazing out at the birds,
trees, rain, sky n clouds. :) but also more than that, that i'm
"chosen" for a special mission, to be given the grace to live out the
rest of my life in this unique rs with God. It's kinda awesome n crazy
at the same time. :P who knows why God would "choose" me? Certainly
not becos of intellect or talents or skill. Perhaps out of love? :P
perhaps He has already intended this for me at the beginning when i'm
in my mother's womb. ;)

Anyhow, I was reminded today of this particular version of Agnus Dei
which I heard long time ago but I can't remember the composer :P
somebody once gave me an album with that song in it, but I can't
remember where I put it. :P oh wells. :P shall look for it when i'm
back. ;)

I read somewhere that "Knowledge is the measure of love." shall leave
u with that. :)

--
Sent from my mobile device

heart tuggings

2011-05-23T09:13:00.000+08:00

the heart is a troublesome, complex organ.

but what would we be, without hearts?

i'm off for a week to meet God in silence and solitude, to figure out this reluctant heart of mine.

meanwhile, the phrase that keeps coming up recently, is that "sin creates an illusion of happiness." as much as i do not want to be untrue and cling on to this illusory happiness, my gripe with God is that i will be left empty, and yet it is something i know i must face up to, and therein lies the 'ache' we talk abt occasionally.

need God's help here. be back sunday morning.

almost over

2011-04-30T11:16:00.000+08:00

practicum is almost over. it's exams period now so all we gotta do is just invigilation. phew.

it's been a really good learning period. i am so acutely aware of how much i've grown in the past few months. and i'm still growing! :P

falling sick immediately after sch's out again. blah. woods peppermint to the rescue! :P

need to figure out my priorities in life better. :P

solitude and reassurance

2011-03-19T20:01:00.000+08:00

i discovered yest, that i have a great need for solitude. it's a strange thing, and sometimes i wonder if it's some kind of coping mechanism, but i find that it's not true. it's like this vast empty field that i hold in my heart that remains restless and turbulent until i find the same vast emptiness externally that reflects my interior environment. until then, i am distracted and flitting from one thing to another, worrisome, anxious, frazzled and unsettled. this prob explains why i love going to wide open spaces to sit and stone :P

i came to this realisation only becos i had spent 2 days doing work in sch, and 2 days doing work in momo office, and it was apparent to me that my productivity increased with being alone. somehow, even though the room is quiet and nobody is talking, doesn't really help me to concentrate on my work. but if there is nobody else but me in the room, i'm super focused and productive. :P i'm a strangeling. ;)

on and off these thoughts come back to assault me: do i mean nothing to ppl? am i not investing in my friendships enough for ppl to care? is there something wrong with me if my friendships are so one-sided? has nobody noticed? does anyone care? is there anything wrong with me? have i built some kind of invisible wall around me that stops ppl from forming authentic friendships with me? is this something that i'll have to give up in pursuit of solitude? is this a grace which i cannot recognise for what it is? is this a cross that i'm meant to carry, to love without being loved in return, to deny my own comfort and assurances and the joys of balanced friendships? or is it some wall that i've built up over the years, fearing the disappointments and rejections of unequal friendships?

today my mum told me something that my godma said to her abt me, and that kinda reassured me that God was listening to my ranting and complaints, and has spoken His reassurrance to me. it's one of those things that i'll hold in my heart, until the day it is fulfilled. :) thank you God.

after week 2

2011-03-05T21:00:00.000+08:00

i guess i'm really blessed to be where i am, to have good colleagues and a really smooth practicum so far. seeing / hearing abt the unhappy states of my friends in other schools make me wonder if i'm undeserving of such a good position. it's one of those circumstances where i feel ppl who are more deserving of things going their way, should take my place. perhaps i deserved less.

how do i comfort ppl who are worse off than me, convince them of my empathy when it is plainly obvious that life is unfair, when i'm getting the long end of the stick? i can only say that i'm mightily blessed, but doesn't God bless & love everyone?? why do others get such a traumatic experience? :(

does it have anything to do with God at all? does it have to do with personal dispositions and perspectives as well?

i guess i should just do my bestest best and work really hard to do credit to these blessings. here we go, exceeding expectations!

in the element

2011-02-28T21:25:00.001+08:00

"Most people work long, hard hours at jobs they hate that enable them to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't like." --Nigel Marsh, author of Fat, Forty, and Fired

I work long hard hours at a job i enjoy that enables me to buy things i don't need to impress people i like. :P

teaching brings out the good things in me :)

insecure passwords

2011-02-24T17:55:00.000+08:00

my fb has been hacked and spamming other ppl's walls n i'm upset. :(

first, my email, now fb, what next???!!!!!!! raahhhhhhhh.

Peaceful ride home

2011-02-15T19:39:00.001+08:00

Leaving sch at 7pm isn't that bad :P I get seats on the bus n train! :) way better than 1.5hrs standing. Last 2 days of nie! Persevere!

Peppermint coffee at Tea Cosy

2011-02-12T16:34:00.001+08:00

I'm off for recollection again. :) A part of me is worried cos I have plenty of work to finish, n this wkend is already cut short. So I dunno how it's all going to work out, but I hope it will.

Meow spotted sleeping under a rack :)

2011-02-11T19:38:00.002+08:00

Having a little victory after an extremely long wk n tiring day gives me hope n belief in myself again. :) I think our brains are corrupted by nie. I found myself pigeon-hole-ing my ideas n I feel so silly after realising that. :P but it's ok now, all seems better, n having a good casual chat with my teacher brightens my (otherwise discouraging) day. :)

i cabbed home yest

2011-02-10T12:33:00.000+08:00

after lessons cos i was so tired and irritable cos art class had overrun AGAIN, i decided i wasn't going to stand for 1.5hrs carrying bags of stuff and having noisy chatter in my ear. peak hour public transport is simply depressing on such a day. this is an instance when i value the quiet time and having a seat in a comfy taxi where the uncle never talked more than necessary.

as i was sitting with my friend at lunch table, i commented that i felt it had been a long day already, even though it was only abt 2pm. :( both of us had spent the entire day before getting ready for our service learning exhibit, which entailed the cabbing from sch to town n back, and den setting up and den me going for exco meeting and staying up to do work and back in sch again to prepare the exhibit cos i was on duty first slot in the morning. and den i had to sit thru abt 2 hrs of presentations by the different groups on their projects, and den grab a drink and go for class where my irritating lit tutor just dropped another bomb on us. like, OMG. :( :( :( and so, that's how we ended up at lunch brooding over the time (or lack thereof) we need to plan for the following days.

my friend has it worse, cos she's planning for her wedding in june, so she's trying to tie down the details and managing all the bookings and research and stuff. and here we are, with the insurmountable mountain of work to level. it made me so upset i had to comfort myself with choc chip cookies and coffee and notebook-buying and playing orisinal games. and this was already after eating lunch. :P

so anyway, after that we still had art class, and den i really couldn't take it, had to go home quick. and den i went for a haircut (yippee!) and i felt immensely better after dinner. :P managaed to finish another assignment this morning so i'm a little more relieved too. but still must persevere and push thru another long day and long weekend...

i will sacrifice a little sleep

2011-02-09T02:39:00.000+08:00

to blog briefly :P

quote of the day: "$60???!!! Considering it takes $22 to get me from home to NTU, I can travel 1.5 rounds around singapore!!"
--me, after travelling from nie to imm building to get my presentation panel printed, only to find that one A0 size colour print is a slasher-price of SIXTY DOLLARS. peace center is only charging $24 lor!! WT....

in the end, me & friend cabbed $14 from imm to peace center n cabbed back to sch $17. it's still cheaper than $60. pengs.

yest the word of the day was "intimacy". it came to me that ppl are on the search for intimacy, not so much community. e.g. having many friends does not give you ultimate happiness. it's having that one or few close friends who really give you joy and meaning in life. it's like intimacy within community, and i'd wanted to share that today at ew exco meeting but i lost the train of thought. :P

and so it's the same intimacy that God offers, and that we are somehow drawn into. :) some ppl call it the "personal relationship" with God, some call it "falling in love" with God, some ppl feel an undeniable attraction to God's presence in the tabernacle and at Mass. :P and i guess we all want to have this kind of super close relationship with ppl: can feel free to be yourself, know that you are loved and treasured, always there to listen to you whine / rant, encourages you when u're down, scolds you when you need, sayang you when hurt, forgives you when offended, no need to paiseh anything, loves you for who you are. :)

and the other thing that precedes this intimacy, is the ability to be vulnerable to the other person / God. :) so actually vulnerability and intimacy comes / goes hand in hand. only when you are able to risk yourself being rejected / misunderstood / embarrassed and reveal your inner real self to another, den you are able to receive this "intimacy". :P if i dun open myself to God and be honest about who i am inside, den i won't be able to receive His graces and blessings n forgiveness, and build a closer relationship with Him. similarly if i'm unwilling to get close to ppl and to share with them this insecure part of me, den i'm unable to have close friendships, and i'm likely to feel lonely even though i'm among good friends.

so am i, will i be able to trust ppl enough to have this kind of close relationships? *food for thought* :)

one month ++ into 2011

2011-02-06T15:17:00.000+08:00

woah it's been a long time, and i've been sitting at this computer for a long stretch too :P just wanna blog some thoughts that have been hanging ard in my head :)

firstly, i've come to realise that it is actually a good thing physically departing from stac. i find that i'm more able to do the real work with the young ppl, now that i'm no longer mired in the web of responsibilities and relationships. and i guess this aspect of the "ministry" is what truly matters to me, more than "guarding" the technical aspects of music and liturgy. although it is still my personal interest in that area, i guess it belongs to another part of me, the part that dreams of theological studies in some european / jesuit university :P and so, i find that i'm more able to appreciate ppl for who they are, instead of the roles they function in choir, and i guess that really makes a difference. it's easier for me to see them as friends now cos i dun work with them anymore, and even if we discuss choir politics it's not as bad. and i do see things have started changing and improving, so that's always a good sign. :) even though it might feel like an uphill task now, it will get easier with time. :)

another aspect of my life that i've been thinking about, and clarifying, is this remaining-single-for-Christ life :) i guess it took me by surprise few days ago when i was with tsk baking cookies, and she asked if i was still "going on the sisterhood route". my reflex response was "Yes", thinking that it would be the easiest way to her to understand, but i remembered what wL told me and decided i should use another analogy :P and so here's the biblical reference:-

He answered, “Not all can accept this word, but only those to whom that is granted.
Some are incapable of marriage because they were born so;
some, because they were made so by others;
some, because they have renounced marriage
for the sake of the Kingdom of heaven.
Whoever can accept this ought to accept it.”

--Matthew 19:11-12 (NAB)

This verse is from the mouth of Jesus, and Paul in his epistles continues with the teaching of celibacy for the Kingdom. "I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that." (1 Cor 7:7) and so, it is a life of celibacy that i have discerned is the call from God, and He has equipped me with plenty of graces to live it. :) i also liked something i read from a catholic website, that celibacy "is a gift given to some through the love of God, which neither debases nor exalts them in relation to their brethren to whom God has given the gift of the call to marriage." and so i'm just a normal, ordinary person trying to be all that God wants me to be in this world. :) not holier, not better, not more sacred, not more in tune with God, not more "powerful", not infaliable, not super(holy)woman. :P

of cos, as i contemplate on the life experiences of the ppl ard me, and i look at myself in my (relative) youth, i guess the question is still valid: "What if you meet somebody in the next few yrs?" as much as i'm quite certain such a thing is not likely to happen, the thought that i'm going to a new sch soon, and possibly making new friends there, and possibly picking up signals that i'm not supposed to pick, makes me somewhat apprehensive abt the next few yrs. but i also know it's just an unfounded disturbance, one that is easily squelched with faith. :)

will my heart change in the yrs to come? looking back at my life, even i did not expect my past 2 yrs to have unfolded the way they have, and here i am! :P i wouldn't have expected to choose ew over stac, wouldn't have expected to apply to a catholic sch just cos wizard requested. perhaps, wouldn't even have thought i'd be teaching art with moe! :P in 09 feb i was still doing freelance work while building websites lor. so, wow. look at what 2 yrs have done to my life n my heart. :) crazy, isn't it. :)

walking with God is always full of surprises. ;)

Notes to self

2011-01-13T11:47:00.001+08:00

A few days ago I was just looking at my art teacher n was inspired. :P she inspires me to put on beautiful eye make-up for sch haha :P cos of a comment my classmate said, which I totally agree with. "she has beautiful eyes! I always get distracted..." :P if you can get ur students' attention by having beautiful eyes, den I think it's quite an easy task! :P n perhaps I should try it out. ;)

I realise that sometimes being a friend is just being present, even if I feel like I have nothing to contribute. Having a simple dinner or meal with ppl can mean so much to others, even though I'm listening most of the time. I guess listening is still participating, n it doesn't mean i'm less impt. Or ppl dun care abt me. For some unfathomable reasons, ppl do love me n i'd do well to remember that strange fact.

a strange weekend

2011-01-10T20:21:00.000+08:00

it's been a queer day. somehow i caught a cold / flu over the weekend, and have been feverish for the past 2 days or so. it's strange cos somehow things worked out, even though i had plenty to do and stuff.

e.g. sunday i came back from rec, was having fever, went home to take medicine and went to church to do my work. cos i was coughing and coughing, felt really bad to stay home while parents are preparing food for little kids next day. so i sat in church canteen and finished up my essay while talking to some stranger about faith & the bible. :P at first i was a bit scared, cos i dunno why he wanted to talk to me, but over time he really proved to be quite harmless and had a really bad life. he says he has a home but he's rented it out den i suspect he was going to sleep at the canteen, like the other indian 'regular'. anyway so it was an interesting turnout for the night. i spent some time talking to him abt the differences between catholics & protestant christians, and overall i had a feeling that i was there at that moment so that somehow God could minister to him, which was cool. :)

e.g. today cos i didn't want to go sch, i stayed home and went polyclinic to take medicine and mc. in a strange way, mum needed help with her cooking cos one of the gas cylinders ran out of gas n she was only cooking with 1. so den she was super kancheong and was working in a flurry. and cos my dad was at the pri sch canteen, he couldn't come back to help. so there i was, put into good use. haha. even though i was sick lor. i told her, what if the children get my germs den also fall sick how?? but nvm lah. she said just pray lor. :P which is what i did.

n i didn't realise how sick i am until today when i really didn't feel like getting up or moving. i'd planned to do the gesl video today, thinking that since i was going to take mc, i'd have the whole day free :P but the drowsiness took over, and i fell asleep. i think i didn't even eat lunch...

i was telling my sis, i think it's psychosomatic illness. i don't want to go to sch so badly, that my body is doing what my subconscious wants :P awesome. ;) i just dun like the fever process. :P

and it rains and rains....

short & sweet one

2011-01-08T15:47:00.000+08:00

the short: just a fyi to whoever is still reading, that i'm going for recollection today, will be back tmr evening. :P

the sweet: i haven't really had the mood to sit down and blog this, but the choir peeps organised a mini concert for me on 31st dec, which was awesomely moving :) thanks everybody! i really dunno how to thank you all for so much love shown that night. should i upload the videos i took?? :P

ok gotta run!

did i mention that sch starts at 8:30am on monday??!!! sighs.

jumbled up messes

2010-12-31T20:53:00.000+08:00

there are too many thoughts, and too little time.

this Christmas has been one especially poignant one, and i know i haven't really processed all my feelings yet, and just putting them aside first, while all the celebrations and gatherings are happening, and it's staying out late night after night. :P i do enjoy staying out late for hthts, the only 'drawback' is that i feel like i've missed out on ppl's lives so much, everytime always emo-ing by myself and holding back and going further away from ppl.

but then again, it seems like the nearer i go, the more pain i cause others, so then perhaps i should just remain where i am. i guess partly it is my fault, i've neglected ppl and not cared for them. i guess it's also partly my own 'possessiveness' that i'll have to let go of and ignore, and trust that ppl are able to think and care for themselves, and not be intrusive and overly kaypoh abt their lives. i mean, who am i to make decisions for you, rite? i can't possibly fully understand what you're going through, and i should refrain from making any comments that might affect your own judgement of things. and my opinions aren't always right, so i should practice self-control and only say things that build up others and the community.

Eph 4:29 "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." [NIV]

in other news, i've been spending quite a bit of time hanging out with the choir peeps, and we had a wonderful partyworld session yest :) there were moments of nostalgic sadness, cos there are memories of what we used to do, the types of songs we used to sing. and i guess that's where it matters to me, that at least i know this friendship of mine has 'substance' and 'depth' that i think nobody else has come so close to, in such a manner. :) it is cry-worthy, and i keep having to stop myself thinking abt such things cos they always make me cry. i really dunno how it'll be like next year, but i guess we will all get used to it in time. :)

yest mich commented that i'm "a tough nut to crack". am i, really? i only know that i dun open up unless you care enough :P but i feel that i'm much better already, compared to maybe 2 yrs ago. oh wells. tough nuts survive winter better ;)

kay gtg for thanksgiving mass n countdown at church.. where the choir girls have some surprise installed for me :P crossing over to the new 2011!

last wk of sch day #1

2010-12-13T08:04:00.000+08:00

//rant//

omg omg omg i can't believe that my groupmates haven't finished up the project over the wkend when i'm not available!!!! ARGH!!! it's like 6 hours to presentation and they think it's going to magically appear issit?? why do i have to do the work and cover for them??!!!!! wth.

it's sucky when u realise that u're much better off without them. hurhurh. feel like strangling ppl.

//end rant//

quarter-centenarian

2010-12-11T13:12:00.000+08:00

it can get very irritating (and sometimes depressing) when it becomes apparent that i'll prob score better doing individual work den group work. rahh. disappointing groupmates. blah.

well, at least i hope my individual parts will pull up my marks...

and in other news, it's another mad rush to the last wk of sch with submissions everyday. plus another interview on wed. i badly need some kind of time management. lol.

surprise + ice cream + cake + friends + coffee + lots of laughter + late night chat = happiness. :)

it's dec again

2010-12-10T11:30:00.000+08:00

it's the time of the year again that puts me on bouts of wraith-like emo-ness. i fluctuate between wanting to avoid the world and spending time with ppl who matter to me. i stand behind and look at ppl enjoying each other's company and i'm somewhat glad that they are happy without me. it is what i do wish to happen, and i'm not feeling sad that i'm leftout or what. i really just want to fade away and disappear into the background.

and den i begin to question again whether i should stay, since my purpose is fulfiled. it's a tussle; ambivalent thoughts and conflicting reasonings.

been trying to make sense of how things worked out in the end. a few months back i struggled to make a choice between 2 events, and i was unable to do so. after a long time and speaking with various ppl n clarifying my thoughts n emotions, i made a decision to stay for one and go late for another. i'd felt that it was the best way out, and i'd be able to have both pieces of cake and eat them. but it turns out that i can't have both pieces of cake after all.

and so, i guess the reality of things only sunk in with that concrete sms informing me that i really cannot wing it n assume that i can get by the 'rules' just cos i'm a nice person etc. haiz. nvm lor. it's funny how things converged finally. i got what i originally wanted but my internal dispositions towards them have changed. funny how God works. :P i suppose this is the 'humbling' aspect of that strange msg that day.

i remember telling gerg once that sometimes God leads us to dead ends cos it's only that we're there that we can see the other paths He has laid out for us. i read in some book that it's like climbing a mountain. sometimes we need to climb certain lower peaks just so that we can find a hidden trail in between the rocks / shrubs that we couldn't have spotted if we didn't climb there. it's not the final destination yet, it's a dead end, but it was necessary for our future growth & development. it's all part of the journey that matters, and not surprisingly God is not a very efficient engineer. i think He's really more of an artist at heart, wanting us to make big seemingly useless loops that irritate us. :P

i was initially quite emotional abt many things, but i've since mellowed down and heck-cared. so now i'm just doing things at my own pace and taking a day at a time. the worst is over, but i'm still quite packed with submissions every day next wk. and den it's already a wk b4 christmas. gosh. where got time to buy / do presents???

i thank God for the friends who care for me and randomly send me encouragement. :)

for adel

2010-12-02T11:32:00.000+08:00

i thought of you when i came across this :)

remembering

2010-11-22T12:47:00.000+08:00

i guess we are truly forgetful ppl. for some strange adaptive reason, we become used to a certain way of doing things, of leaving things as they are, and den we forget why we did them in the first place, or why they mattered to us initially.

maybe it's not you, it's just me. i've been trying to figure out what's happening to me internally, to sort out all the strands of thought and emotion that have jumbled up inside and paralysed me, unable to come to a decision n stick to it.

it seems like such a small thing, like i'm making a big fuss over sth so trivial. a decision that is so easily reached by others, that i wonder why i'm taking so long to think through it. if there was no clash of events, would i have gone anyway?

i guess for me now, after talking with adel yest, i do feel it slowly forming in my head. if presence matters, den it matters for both sides, perhaps in different ways. perhaps i won't have to make an either-or choice after all. perhaps i could have both pieces of cake and eat them.

perhaps i'd forgottened why did it matter in the first place. perhaps i'd forgottened what i was passionate abt, n what's the purpose of my existance. a randomly flipped page from a book off moses' table showed me this quote (roughly paraphrased cos i can't remember exactly now): that "drawing close to God does not lead one away from people, but rather, closer to them." it is a good reminder for me that the Christian life is not lived in isolation / solitude, but rather in the midst of community. i think that is my continual challenge, not to run off by myself but to stay and be with ppl, as much as it drains me.

and i guess that's also where i need God, to replenish n draw strength from Him.

where would i be without ew? i must take time to reflect, and remember. :)

i want to sleep

2010-11-19T17:38:00.000+08:00

i skipped class this morning cos i forgot to set my alarm, woke up too late, and wanted to sleep some more :P was doing my gesl group logo till i fell asleep...

anyway, i met my teacher along the corridoor when i was waiting for my classmates to go for the next class, and i explained to him that i wasn't feeling well, and was sorry to skip class. he was very nice lah, and asked me to catch up with work from my classmates :)

some other minor updates:
i bought some colour pencils and a new pencil case! :P the colours make me happy :)

And my painting thus far... it's due this coming thurs... :P

a very short 'eye' of the storm

2010-11-12T12:04:00.000+08:00

my eyes are tired n i feel like sleeeeeeeeeping....

with my cushy cushion in front of me....

we had an oral presentation this morning, and i didn't do as well as i'd planned.. so a bit sad, but nvm lah. :P it's done, strike it out, next project pls!

sleeping on plastic, contoured chairs is seriously uncomfortable. i appreciate the cushioned chairs more now :P

what would ppl think if i slept in the nie library??

i feel safe enough with my silly friend beside me. :) Thanks lots for ur presence! n dun be silly lah, i'm not unhappy with you.. it's other ppl.. o.O here sth to cheer you up! :)

a little surprise

2010-11-08T13:00:00.000+08:00

look who i found in the n i e library!

kinda cool to have our catholic saints being studied in 'secular' places. :P this was right next to a book on st augustine's philospohy on teaching also. :P

n i'm trying not to be distracted at the mini balcony in the library. :P yes, that's the carpet floor.

it's strange that i feel so calm with so many things left to do. haha. i guess perhaps it's cos i have so many other things on my mind. hmm.

St Thomas Aquinas, pray for us!

lying by keeping silent

2010-11-07T13:34:00.000+08:00

why do we hold it in and pretend things are alright just cos we didn't say a word?
how come i can compartmentalise and behave as per normal, not saying a word of opposition nor commitment? you just kinda get used to it. we can get used to anything.

sometimes it's painfully obvious, the things that are left unsaid.
why do we live such lives so?
i can't help noticing. i hope i'm wrong, and unduly worried.

when i feel that my eyes are abt to betray my feelings, i look down at my hands, the floor, the trees etc.
i am like a robot. i just follow instructions. i tell my heart not to be overly reactive / involved. i am just an ordinary person. i'm not awesome, nor great, nor indispensible. life goes on, continues to move and evolve and change, regardless.

today fr tomC said that in life, all is passing. we only cling on to the hope of the resurrection which the Lord has promised us. we grow older, we change, we decide we want something different, or better. we can't stay in 1 place forever, at least, not me. it's only a matter of time. of fresh air, of freedom. i think the word for you is "stifling". like how you out-grow your clothes n they've become too tight for you. can't breathe. get new ones then. growing is entirely normal. it's how you grow, that's crucial. for better, or for worse.

we all know that pretending is an short-term coping mechanism. the problem is not resolved, neither is it going away. we are just pretending, and waiting, and bearing with it. and in the meantime we put such emo stuff aside so that we can function normally, and joke n laugh n care for ppl. cos they need our care, and they perhaps need to know that we are struggling too. that's why i'm not afraid to share, and i think they deserve some of this honesty from us. they are old enough to make their own decisions and to ponder abt things. the least we can do, is to provide explanations. and not disappear without a word. now that, would be terribly irresponsible.

obsession

2010-11-05T10:42:00.000+08:00

i never realised how absorbing painting could be, until yest when we started copy painting, which was an exercise of copying a painting by the grandmasters :P we had to choose from the impressionist painters, which made things quite difficult cos the whole point of impressionist paintings was to capture the moment of light. so usually it's not so much a realistic portrayal of the subject being painted, but rather the "impression" of it as light changes.

and so i fell in love with this particular snapshot (Les Nympheas 1914) of Monet's 100++ paintings of the waterlilies in his garden, and have started work on making a good copy of it. we could all choose what we wanted to paint, and quite a few of my classmates chose van Gogh's works, or Monet's women portraits. at first i thought i was crazy to choose this, but teacher say ok, can do. so ok lor. ahhahaha. and so the blue colour is driving me crazy. it looks totally different on the palette and on the paper. haha. so.. er.. yar. it's like a puzzle that i can't crack and it's obsessing my mind.

one good news that reached me today, was that my efforts in mf haven't gone to waste! apparently the aesthetic comm has won 1 of 3 outstanding contribution awards (team) and my ex-colleague says we have monetary reward??!! wahseh! even if it's a few hundred, it's still a recognition of good hard labour lor. :) yay!

ok ok i'd better go start on my group project... :P today is stay-home-piah-hw day :P happie deepavali!

attachments

2010-10-30T13:04:00.000+08:00

related to the previous entry, i was at joce's acappella perf last sat, and i met some sec sch ppl who knew me! omg. i met a choir junior, an ex-classmate, some css ppl and some old reso friends who were there to support "coffee on sunday" :P i was really quite surprised to see friend C there with a reso senior H. i just couldn't connect the dots, and it made me feel somewhat awkward to have stumbled upon them on their date. oops. :P it's just a bit strange to find that ppl from my different social circles know each other and are going out together... maybe it's just me lah :P i was 'gossiping' to joce one night abt another of our friends who unexpectedly became attached to each other, and she said that perhaps it's cos our juniors in sch will always be our juniors in our minds, and we keep thinking of them as 'kiddy' but their actual ages are actually quite adult already :P and hence, the strange feeling we get when we see them taking incredibly sweet photographs and posting all over fb. :P

so anyway, i'm doubly scandalised. hahaha. and i'm also wondering if my seniors and juniors have a similar perception of me. :P like, will they be scandalised also when they meet me along the road with some guy and automatically assume that we're dating and den have a slightly awkward situation where we have to quickly adjust our perceptions to assimilate this new information? it's just kinda fun to ponder :P

i guess it's easier to decieve ourselves that we're not hurting, den to admit to ourselves that it hurts. it's easier to say that circumstances have changed, rather den to admit that we were wrong in the first place. after a few days of talking it out, i guess, by the grace of God, i still feel quite peaceful interiorly and i think we both have the strength to see this thru :) i thank God it's you too ;)

Lamp unto my feet
Light unto my path
It is You
Jesus, it is You

This treasure that I hold
More than finest gold
It is You
Jesus, it is You

With all my heart
With all my soul
I live to worship You
And praise forevermore
Praise forevermore

Lord everyday
I need You more
On wings of Heaven I will soar
With You

You take my broken ness
And call me to yourself
There You stand
Heal me in Your hand

friendships do matter

2010-10-20T09:54:00.000+08:00

i finally had a good night's sleep yest, it was very shiok. :) i stayed in sch till late to piah my clay homework, and went home feeling accomplished n tired. no more headache today! starting to feel like i'm catching up on work n managing, so not so anxious and feeling like i'd forgotten to do something. :P

i also 'released' some of the things i'd been holding in, some things that i'd wanted to share with my classmates but didn't get the chance to say. even though it was just one person, i feel better already with that load of stuff off my chest :P so yay! happy. :) i feel less insecure and more accepted by the classmates, so sch is getting better.

and i'm very thankful. :)

to adel: i do notice things. ;) *hugs*

internal movements

2010-10-16T12:33:00.000+08:00

i've been wanting to blog for some time, but really was bogged down by essay assignments, and now i'm finally taking a short breather before starting on my next essay :P quite a bit have happened internally over the past few weeks, and i'm glad that i've grown somewhat :P

i have realised that ppl are not static, and as i am growing and changing myself, so too are the ppl ard me, and my heart has to adjust and shift with every new development. i can't expect ppl to remain the same while i move on and grow and whatnot. i guess the shock came to me when i realised i didn't know this part of this person existed, until sth triggered it. e.g. sometimes on lull periods on the train, i'd look at the dating couples and wonder if my own married friends had a similar side of them which i dun see / know abt (obviously :P) and sometimes i wonder, if i were attached, how i'd behave in public :P will i be comfortable with proximity or distance? will i be guilty of being in my (our) own world and be oblivious to the surroundings? will i be embarrassed if i meet students while on a date? :P so many interesting things to ponder...

and so, i've had to adjust bit by bit, my perception of ppl as they too evolve from young independent undergrads to young interdependent individuals preparing for marriage or already married and living on their own. somehow, the concept of my classmates maturing into married couples to pregnant women and den mothers with babies, is still quite foreign to me. maybe cos my circle of friends are largely the kind that would marry late or have children later in life :P and so my brain hasn't really adjusted itself yet, and needs to catch up with chronological time. i saw one of my sec sch classmate's fb photo on my feed, and gosh i couldn't recognise her! she had grown to be a different woman now. woah. and i have a pri sch classmate in my current ed psych class also, but she doesn't recognise me, and the first time i saw her, i immediately had to "start afresh" with her "profile" cos it's been such a long time. she is definitely a diff person now, just as i must be so foreign to her too. :P

accepting ppl for who they ARE and not who they WERE takes a lot of openness and "updating" :P i think very often my brain is still stuck in an older version of ppl and den they do certain things that shock my system den i'll start processing that info and update their profiles inside me :P well at least now i have come to accept such changes better, not so much shock already.

as i was walking home from church yest and looking at the couples along the street, i saw the need for companionship and a sense of belonging as a kind of universal, common human need. and i applaud those couples who have decided to spend the rest of their lives together with a particular person, esp in today's generation where there are so many broken, dysfunctional families. being willing to risk so many things and trust in the unknown and stay committed to the relationship, is very admirable.

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. ;)

a little writing exercise

2010-10-14T20:30:00.000+08:00

on tues we did a little exercise in lit class, writing abt ourselves in different forms. here's what i wrote :P

A soliloquy
"Who is she?
That girl in the corner with the all-knowing eyes
Mystery dancing behind the facade, just out-of-reach."

The original "Yes that's me" poem as a writing exercise....

Yes, that’s me
Look and you’ll see
My hair
My eyes
My arms
My hands
My heart
I’m
I never
My friends
I live
I hope
I dream
It’s all clear as can be.
That’s positively, absolutely me

and my version :P
Yes that's me
Look and maybe you'll see
My hair a chameleon in the sun
My eyes piercing deep into your soul
My arms around you when you need a friend
My hands therein my most prized posession

My heart hurts easily.
I am the odd one out.
I have a foot in this world and one in the next.
My friends are a select few.

I live to love dangerously
I hope to live authentically
I dream of colours, hands, sunshine, mess.

It is all in shades of grey.

That is positively, absolutely me.

not a teacher

2010-09-30T15:07:00.000+08:00

must remind myself in the future, and in writing my teaching philosophy, that i'm not a teacher. :) i dun want to teach the subject, i want to develop ppl! :)

i am a ppl developer!

i am also an artist. :)

After much searching

2010-09-29T12:35:00.002+08:00

I finally found a nice spot in the library to sit and read and sip hot choc and charge my lappie :P guess who were my unlikely companions... the Fine Arts section was occupied :P

But no matter. :) I have a nice spot all to myself. Heh. ;)

----------------------------------------------------------------
i managed to catch some snooze time as well, cos another girl came to share the powerpoint, so she was my 'protection' while i slept. nice little corner. ;)

Braces day 2

2010-09-17T18:42:00.001+08:00

You know how sometimes feeling pain reminds you you're alive?
Now eating does that for me :P
Each bite reminds me that my so-n-so tooth still exists.

N I had an epiphany today at mass, when I was wondering if the Eucharist needed me to bite or chew (this is my new food criteria), I realised It just dissolves! Yipee! :P God must thought abt those ppl with no teeth :P ain't He amazing. ;)

Teething

2010-09-16T14:19:00.002+08:00

I went to put on my braces proper today. :) Suddenly I find myself staring at my teeth obsessively, kinda like how I stare at my little orchid shoots n make mental notes on how much they've grown :P I think I appear weird to ppl on the bus n train cos i'm trying to take photos n peering into reflections n stuff. Haha. I wonder how long more will I be this interested in my teeth :P I wonder how much would my teeth travel in a month, you think? :P

fresh n wet

2010-09-05T05:11:00.000+08:00

it's in the wee hours of the morning, and raining outside as i type :P can't sleep cos it was too hot, and i felt sticky and smelly so i finally went to shower at witching hour :P so now is actually the best time of the morning, my favourite time, esp since it's raining! :P

i remember going to bed feeling happy over small things like A telling me he's praying with the legionaries, having a chat with B honestly and freely, making appt with C, D & E for a girls' day out picnic! :P

it doesn't take much for me to feel loved, n the littlest things can make me smile :)

another song from GLEE that sticks in my head :) original artiste: Celine Dion :)

Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't wanna be alone tonight,
On this planet they call Earth.

You don't know about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

And I had my heart beaten down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There's nothing like love to pull you up,
When you're laying down on the floor there.
So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do,
Like lovers do.

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

Don't know much about your life
Don't know much about your world

11:30 to 8:30

2010-09-03T08:42:00.000+08:00

omg. i just found out this morning that due to content upgrading classes i have to take for eng lit, my wed timetable has just ballooned to 8:30pm!!! OMG. thankfully this will only be in effect for 1 particular week (when all my modules have started) and it's seriously a crappy timetable lor.. i think i might just die that day. hurh. no lunch, no tea break, 9 hours straight. woohoo~!

in other news, i gotta make a (useless) trip down to NTU today for some crappy welcome speech. i think i shall go earlier and walk ard and familiarise myself with the surroundings instead :P like where is the coffee machine / cheap n good canteens. :D

in other, other news, i'm wondering when i should put on my braces.. before or after feast day?? hmmm. (yes i'm getting metal things on my teeth. yay!)

4 dancing teeth

2010-09-02T16:43:00.000+08:00

this morning i went to the dentist to extract 4 teeth :P it didn't hurt at first, but after the anesthesia wore off, it was woah-ho.. wahseh. the feeling of numbness with blood spilling out with some kind of pain that i cannot locate, was quite a strange mix. all i could do this afternoon was to take the medicine and sleep. :P and wait for the bleeding to stop. dun even feel like moving my mouth muscles. hahaha. thank God for sms and written forms of communication :)

another exciting week to piah.. church feast day and nightly novena... must jiayou!

september fool

2010-09-01T11:15:00.001+08:00

i guess things are picking up these days. i fall into the risk of wasting my time away since i'm technically on holiday these few days. feels kinda strange that i can adapt to the new waking hours without much feelings of strangeness. :P haha. it perhaps feels like saturday again and again, that i can plan my time freely and go out and enjoy the world spinning around me :)

i feel like i'm slowly finding back old habits that i somehow left behind in the midst of getting stuff ready for sch. and these were good habits. habits of reading and listening actively to christian music, habits of sitting down to think reflect and journal, habits of watching certain tv shows that i like :P walking abt browsing at shops remind me of how much life has gone past without me, like i've somehow lost touch with the little movements happening ard me.. and they evoke some familiar "urges" within me, to read the books i bought but haven't read, to listen to christian radio again, to resume that dusty familiar un-employed bummer lifestyle :P

the prospect of undergrad life again is an ambivalent thing for me. while i like the flexible timing n freedom to do whatever i want, i dread the having to work with ppl on group projects, and the inevitable introductions and small talk. thank God my project group has quite a few older folks who aren't fresh grads, and i feel more at ease. :P

i must add that meeting ppl and talking to ppl on a personal basis lifts up my spirits too. :) another of those habits that i need to re-habitate. :)

in transit again

2010-08-31T07:01:00.000+08:00

there are some things in life that are paradoxes, that become more beautiful when they are given away freely. things like money, possessions, time... [ you are one of these :) ]

yest i embarked on my first step to straighter teeth! :P exciting and apprehensive at the same time.. first day of transition.. this year has been particularly in flux a lot. the only thing that is constant is Change?

nope. :) the only thing that is constant is GOD. :P

the end of the grey skies

2010-08-24T10:18:00.000+08:00

Lake District near Keswick [Source: Flickr]

God finally decided that enough was enough and He's showing me His love again. :) yay!

little miracles aplenty. i'm thankful for all the good things He has given me, and loving sacrificial parents and mighty supportive friends. :)

thank You. (finally. it's been some time..) :)

wrestling with Theo

2010-08-21T11:50:00.000+08:00

Matthew 5
¹⁴"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. ¹⁶In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. [NIV]

if i were a lamp (think olden-days oil lamps or candle lamps) put on a stand to give light to the house, i think these recent days / weeks i am a small flame flickering, extinguishing, closing the screens / shades and hiding myself inside. you probably can see some light still, but it casts only a small circle of light and nothing more. in modern days we call these lamps "ambience" lights. :P just let me be a small ambient light, will you?

no more good deeds, no more "shining before men", no more.

is _this_ loss of faith, loss of hope, & loss of love?

countdown to days left in mf: 5 days.

bits of dust

2010-08-09T22:33:00.000+08:00

my spirituality is like a gentle breeze-- quiet & peaceful. i think i'm past the days of exuberance; i prefer quiet prayer and singing. ;)

"covered in the dust of Christ" -- the beautiful title of a half-day rec by css. here's the explanation: In the Mishnah (a collection of Jewish oral traditions, their equivalent of our Sacred Tradition), the role of the disciple was outlined as such: Disciples are to invite their rabbi into their house and show him hospitality; they are to sit at his feet, drink up his words thirstily, and follow him so closely that the dust that is kicked up from his feet covers them. So, too, are we called to follow our Rabbi - Christ - so closely that we will be covered in the dust from His feet.

so, how dusty are you? :P

Between 学生 & 老师

2010-08-07T16:33:00.002+08:00

If I find that I feel more comfortable hanging out with students den with teachers, what does that say of me? Is that a normal phenomenon?

- will be at recollection this weekend :) -

defying gravity :)

2010-08-07T11:28:00.000+08:00

i know i'm a bit slow in all these popular culture stuff, but this song really moved me, along with that particular epsidoe of Glee :P

the song was originally from musical Wicked ;P i like it cos i think many of us can relate to the lyrics :P and if you watched this particular episode, you'll understand even more why it's so moving. :)

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by the rules
Of someone else’s game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It’s time to try
Defying gravity
I think I’ll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I’m through accepting limits
'cause someone says they’re so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I’ll never know!
Too long I’ve been afraid of
Losing love I guess I’ve lost
Well, if that’s love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I’d sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I’m defying gravity
I think I’ll try
Defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I’d sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I’m defying gravity
I think I’ll try
Defying gravity
And you won’t bring me down!
Bring me down..

A smiling gift

2010-08-06T17:30:00.002+08:00

C.bear gave me this happy sweet folder yest for t'chers day gift :p it gives me an idea of the person I appear to be n I note somewhat wryly how different I am nowadays. It's almost like how you see an older photo of urself n wonder how 'untainted' you were at that time. While I agree that i'm mostly like this girl on the folder, in recent days i've been developing a layer of glaze over my eyes that obscures, protects n reins in the unruly fire inside like a one-way window. Will I ever smile like this anymore, I wonder.

to adel

2010-08-04T10:52:00.000+08:00

"Sometimes life takes hold of one, carries the body along, accomplishes one's history, and yet is not real, but leaves oneself as it were slurred over."
--Chapter 1, Sons and Lovers, D.H. Lawrence

no i do not want to live like that. i'm fighting.

little realisations

2010-07-26T10:25:00.000+08:00

it slowly dawned on me yest that perhaps i'm more traditionalist den i thought. i would like to think that i just wanna do justice to the liturgy, to express what is appropriate at certain times, and to be careful with what we are handling here--a mysterious miracle imperceptible to the naked eye.

i think often we are so close to the weekly (daily) miracle, that we forget it's even a miracle in the first place. especially since we can't see it happening, or feel anything, but really just know it in our minds. knowing abt the other more dramatic miracles happening in other parts of the world does help, but it doesn't seem to translate back into our daily (weekly) "routine" kind of attitude. as if that bleeding host in some foreign land is not the same as the ordinary one placed in my palm every sunday.

i realise i'm annoyed over small little details like singing a thanksgiving hymn for recessional, but i keep telling myself to shut up and get over it and be more forgiving and less uptight and just let it go. with that part of me 'dying', i wonder if it's the right thing to do. wL once told me that God can use our opinions and actions to do His will. so my qn is, how far is my opinions my opinions and not His? and vice versa? by squashing my thoughts n opinions, am i also squashing God's thoughts n opinions?

if our directions have diverted, den it seems more and more that i will do less and less. perhaps i will not fight it anymore, and just let it be. perhaps i finally und the feeling when you say you are dying inside, cos i think a part of me is doing just that.

when bro joseph asked me if i feel peace, i replied yes. but i was wondering if that peace came from God, or from indifference.

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference." — Elie Wiesel

poetry time!

2010-07-21T16:39:00.000+08:00

Another of my favourites :) sometimes if you watch channel news asia you may catch this as one of their ads...

I saw a Peacock with a fiery tail
Anon (17th century)

I saw a Peacock with a fiery tail
I saw a blazing comet drop down hail
I saw a Cloud with Ivy circled round
I saw a sturdy Oak creep on the ground
I saw a Pismire swallow up a whale
I saw a raging Sea brim full of Ale
I saw a Venice Glass sixteen foot deep
I saw a Well full of men`s tears that weep
I saw their eyes all in a flame of fire
I saw a House as big as the Moon and higher
I saw the sun even in the midst of night
I saw the Man that saw this wonderous sight.

on Loving

2010-07-21T16:09:00.001+08:00

This is one of the poems that stuck with me during Purvis days :P i remember Purvis loved it so much, he quoted it quite often during class. :) nowadays i always think of it when i'm praying at the adoration chapel, and asking God how to love Him with my limited ways? :P so i would pose this question to Him and den smile n ask Him for the answer... :)

How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43)
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

feeling feely

2010-07-17T00:42:00.000+08:00

it's either i'm getting more and more emotional abt things, or it's just me getting more and more sensitive abt things. hmm.

or maybe, it's just me growing older. hmmmmmm.

"Your grace is enough / more than i need..." -- This Is Our God (Hillsongs)

i realise recently that i see things in terms of emotions. i perceive how situations & decisions affect emotions, and these affect my own decision-making cos i consider other ppl's feelings.

sometimes i think i feel too much, and den i tell myself if i dun feel den i'm not human.

but it's so hard to keep getting upset so often; sometimes i wish crying isn't the only way out.

i thought i'd already made a decision, but it seems that this decision might not be needed after all. and it seems that things might take a completely different direction instead. which makes me really uncertain, and almost the same as where you are. today gave me hope that perhaps my initial aim is starting to succeed, and with it a sense of suan-ness yet also approval. few days ago i considered whether my presence was disturbing the peace, n today i wondered what is wrong with me.

if i knew the answer, perhaps i could change myself, but i dun. hmmm.

folding origami

2010-07-15T16:09:00.000+08:00

i found out today that folding paper helps me to keep angry thoughts & feelings in check and dissipate them! whee~!

oh and in case you're curious, i'm embarking on quite an ambitious paper folding project in sch.. hahaha.. no it's not paper cranes :P i'm thinking of naming the series "A Series of Impossible Objects" :D how fun! :P

Stickers!

2010-07-15T08:25:00.002+08:00

My stickers arrived yest! :D happyness!

one of those things that help to chase away the gloom... :)

all the way from london

2010-07-14T09:52:00.001+08:00

i must say that this morning when i woke up and saw my magazine subscription FINALLY ARRIVED on the floor, that cheered me up a lot from the overhanging blah from last night. apparently my 2 issues have suffered under the postal service :( but healed with the help of singpost! :)

- the major tear at the corner -

- the minor tear along the front side -

- the package re-wrapped by singpost -

- and their very sweet message :) -

- the cool centaur postage label -

- and finally, the coolest magazine in the world :P -

- June & July issues :D -

- - happyness - -

what's in a name?

2010-07-12T12:37:00.000+08:00

been thinking about what name i could adopt as a pseudonym if i were eventually to be a full-time artist :P i just think that my current name is just too common. if you google it, there will be tons of ppl with the same name! :P so how to create a unique portfolio that can be easily identified? i need a new name!

so pls, if you have some suggestions, let me know! requirements are as below:-

1) must reflect ASIAN identity. i was thinking of shortening my name to Lin Yun (like corrinne mae :P) and signing off as "yun" (cloud) :P kinda cool what...

2) must not be pretentious; must be authentic and credible and believable. i.e. i can't be called Jamie Rachel Lee or Sylvia Keynes or Jennifer Roberts Hewitt or Primavera Lim or Vera Anatasia Athena :P

3) must be something that kinda describes me? and my style of art? or just me is fine :)

4) male / androgynous names are also ok :P

5) anagrams (re-arranging letters of my current name) are also ok, provided you can come up with sth interesting, like "madman ali" hahahaha...

hahaha fun rite? :P yes i'm crazy ;) you can do this when you're free & bored :P

meaning & purpose

2010-06-26T23:11:00.000+08:00

how can a choir sing without UNITY????

it baffles me. urgh.

Romans 15
⁵May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, ⁶so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Matthew 12:25
Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them, "Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand."

Psalm 127:1
¹ Unless the LORD builds the house,
its builders labor in vain.

Unless GOD is the foundation of our ministry, we are singing and practicing for NOTHING.

Where is God in our midst, if not in our spirit of unity? clearly we are nothing.

before i disappear into nowhere

2010-06-08T12:33:00.001+08:00

it's the time of the year again when i declare to the whole world how busy i am :P

amazing God :)

2010-06-05T13:16:00.002+08:00

along with the strangely temperamental weather, are the beautiful skies! :D

look!

i took this while on the bus going past bishan, and it really woah-ed me. :P i think it was first time seeing a cloud formation like this, with the columns of cloud reaching up into the sky. reminded me of a scene from this anime i watched, of the 7 gods of fire walking on the earth. :P the immensity of the scene was awe-some! really cool. :) :) :)

this one was taken at punggol park, at one of my fav benches where i go to sort out my thoughts far away from ppl and noise. i love pink clouds against a darkening sky. ;)

This was taken while i sat outside church one sunday, selling tshirts :P the sky was so beautiful against the off-white of our church's pillars. has an ancient classical feel to it. this is my current phone wallpaper. :)

and finally did you notice the pretty bed of flowers just outside church carpark? :) that's the only plot of soil blooming :P all these little things make my day that little bit brighter. :)

threshold

2010-05-28T22:27:00.000+08:00

i had a most eventful last day of sch :P actually, i had a very eventful last week of sch.

firstly, i didn't expect the choir concert publicity to be so well-received, esp after it was delayed by 2 days cos i couldn't cope with handling both concerts concurrently. i was half-in-charge of this lunchtime concert on wed cos i'm part of the sch's aesthetics committee. so was busy arranging for auditions, hearing auditions etc coordinating the concert & saikang warriors. :P den at the same time had to rush out the choir concert publicity to start ticket sales, which was really crazy. and den i had this amazing idea that i couldn't let go of, and i wanted it to be perfect, as usual :P and so it dragged. thankfully the choir teachers aren't so anal abt it, and just want the thing to get on and start rolling. and so it went on morning assembly (amid some technical problems) and ppl cheered! woah. that was unexpected. *blinks* and den the compliments started pouring in, until it got to a point where i was wondering if these ppl really have never seen anything like it before. strange, i thought to myself. but it was nice to be appreciated. :)

did i mention that i was also organizing a mini art exhibition concurrently? it was a seriously crazy and sweaty week. and tiredly satisfying :)

while the good things lasted, i had a really new encounter with 1 of my naughty boys on thursday. we kinda had a standoff confrontation cos he wanted to take back sth i confiscated. he was trying to dig into my bag while i was trying to dodge him while retaining my deocorum :P in the end i got so irritated i grabbed his shirt in front of his face and held him there, tightly. thank goodness he was a small boy and i could still hold him with one hand and stare at him with dagger eyes. (my other hand was holding my bag and a box) omg. in my head i was wondering if it was against sch rules to hold him by his shirt, but i was so angry that i didn't care. the sch can send me for counselling for all i care. at that moment, that was the only way i was going to win the battle. woah. it was a really new exp for me. thankfully i also have a lot of patience, and i can stand still for a long time. thank God for the words to say n the decisions that i made in my head while holding him still. i had never done anything like this. whatever i said to him could have been used against me, if he wanted to complain abt me. in the end he knew he was in a fix cos of his misbehaviour and knew he had to comply. if he chooses to take revenge on me instead of fearing me the next term, den i'm in for a lot of trouble. and will need some kind of 'under-handed protection' which i've already planned who to call. haha. i think if i did not have to abide by certain rules and behave properly, i might just be one hell of a gang leader. :P seriously, these kids are bringing out my inner demon & fulfilling my secret dreams of becoming a mafia ice queen.

as much as i did not like being so nasty on the last day of sch, it turned out that i was. :P i'm losing my patience with unacceptable behaviour and training up my ferocity. :) sometimes i feel like i'm part of discipline comm already, at the rate i'm going, confiscating handphones. gosh. this term alone i confiscated 3 sets. last term at least 2 that i remember. sometimes i wonder if i'm making a name for myself handing in the stuff i confiscate. :P oh well.

maybe i should consider an unofficial career as sch mafia after all. :P

Flux

2010-05-22T12:40:00.000+08:00

the word/image that keeps recurring is "abandon" and it is true. i really feel like abandoning myself to the Father and not caring abt a single thing in the world. maybe it's a form of escape, maybe it's a symptom that i can't hold things together for much longer. but with a God whom I can't hug like a sobbing child, how do i receive His loving touch that comforts me?

what can i do when all i want is to hug You and cry?

i guess i'll just sit here and let You gaze at me from a distance, quietly shedding tears like leaves in autumn in another country.

with so many things in flux, i'm learning not to believe in what i used to think i know anymore. abandon it all.

It's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you

on American Idol again...

2010-05-20T14:24:00.001+08:00

i love Lee's version! :D i like that he's prob the best contestant and yet he's so humble and willing to learn. :) and yes he would have won if last night was the finals. :D

next time if i ever get to form a band, i must have a cellist! :P love the sound of strings. ;)

driving deep with the nail

2010-05-15T09:18:00.001+08:00

sometimes i go back to prev writings and read what i've written, and i'm amazed at the words that come out of my fingers :P this is one of them:-

"...having a "vocation" is not only having a call to priesthood or religious life or marriage or singleness, but that openness to the Will of God to go where He leads, to bloom where you are planted, to be moulded and chiseled in obedience as He sees fit. " - [ew blog, tues 27th apr 2010]

funny how i need to be reminded of what i 'preach' --> OPENNESS. shall i go where i'm led? shall i bloom where i'm planted? or transplanted? am i willing to let go of my stubborn ideas and really trust in the Lord and His Almighty power to do whatever He wants of my life and rescue me when I need? shall i say Yes in obedience, knowing that i'm not saying yes to some random organisation, but really Yes to You?

we shall find out this weekend. :) (-will be away on recollection-)

on American Idol...

2010-05-14T13:25:00.000+08:00

simply mind-blowing 1:50mins :) (the rest of the video can be ignored :P )

"Falling Slowly" - original soundtrack from the movie "Once"

imagine my surprise. O_O!!

Ache

2010-05-02T19:30:00.000+08:00

An ache that only You can satisfy.

//miss na kita//

So reign, please reign in us
Come purify our hearts we need your touch
Come cleanse us like a flood and send us out
So the world may know you reign, you reign in us

To be, or not to be?

2010-05-01T19:55:00.002+08:00

I found a new spot to do marking today! :) at marina square food court outdoor eating area. It overlooks some of my fav parts of city n it's relatively quiet except for the radio. I went to the esplanade today to see exhibitions, hang out n absorb the artistic vibes for a while. Kinda miss performing. :P it's 1 of those intermittent feelings i get whenever i catch a live performance. I imagine i could possibly live like that too. :)

All sorts of possibilities are going thru my head these few days cos of a possibility that i may not get to go nie this year :( apparently they wanna change my teaching subjects, which i really don't want to. N it seems that they do not have vacancy at nie for other combis this year. :( so it has been a rather 'spanner' kind of exp, wondering if this is God's leading or my stubbornness or sth i should fight for. Should i continue teaching if i dun get to go nie this year? Should i go back to studying instead? Should i do design instead? The possibilities are endless... But what does God want me to do?? That is the qn.